Besides the highs and lows of life (not in any order) - studies, work, being a wife, etc....I've been thinking of updating my blog but haven't quite kept it up-to-date.
Looking back at the year since my last entry, one dominant thing that pervaded my life has been my sadness, abit of depression but also hopefulness at being able to fall pregnant. Having been obsessed with it for almost 2 years, each month was more difficult as I wondered if it was "it".
I wavered between being happy for expectant mothers to being achingly jealous, and with being filled with joy at seeing little children to being hit with a numbing ache wondering when I could have one of my own who would call me 'mummy'.
My walk with my Lord wavered from trusting in Him, to asking Him to take away my desire to be a mum, to asking Him "why"? I am thankful He stuck with me and sent me family and friends and a fantastic hubby who encouraged me to take another step and to continue to enjoy life.
Then I had a laparoscopy done in October last year and while wishing that there was indeed something wrong with me so that there is some explanation as to why I hadn't yet fallen pregnant, I did wish that I was going to be ok. It was day surgery and so by the time I was wheeled into the operating theatre, I was told by the anaesthetist that she was going to give me something to relax me and I remember looking at the ceiling of the theatre after the drug was administered and thinking, "this isn't working". But within 5 seconds of saying that, the next thing I remembered was feeling drowsy and having hubby trying to keep me awake. It took me more than 2 hours to wake up from the surgery. It was abit embarassing as I could see women in the ward who had surgery after me all awake and smiling at me....but it being my first surgery ever (besides my own birth over 30 years ago), I suppose I can't be blamed.
When I was fully awake, my very nice surgeon came and told me that both my fallopian tubes were blocked and while he was able to unblock one, he wasn't able to unblock the other. He found a 5cm cyst on my right ovary and some endometriosis which he managed to remove too. I remember taking the news calmly and because I was still somewhat drowsy, I listened but didn't think the information sunk in. In a subsequent visit to the doctor, about a week after the surgery, the pervasive thought was that I had only one functioning fallopian tube and that made me even sadder than I already was. I thought it was truly impossible now to fall pregnant.
I remember spending the next few months wavering being sad, to having crying spells and then trusting in the Lord, and even accepting that maybe it's not His Will for me to be a mum. I truly can't imagine how I got through the 2 years that we have been trying to fall pregnant. I shudder at the sadness and the desperation I felt about wanting to be a mother and the numerous times I have asked myself when we should stop trying because it was getting tiring emotionally. I was playing all possible scenarios over and over in my head, especially the scenarios where it is just hubby and I without kids. I refuse to believe that a happy marriage had to include children. I still believe that a happy marriage exists, with or without children. I began to understand too that if we are to be blessed with children, that I remember not to put our children ahead of my hubby.
Hubby and I travelled to Singapore in late Dec 2008 to mid-Jan 2009 and I remember spending some time telling my mum, who told me that she believed I will be pregnant and to keep the faith, that it's easier said than done. I tried to enjoy the trip and to have an entire change of focus to enjoying life rather than be obsessed about falling pregnant.
Shortly after we returned home to Australia, there was a sign to prompt me to do a pregnancy test but because I've done pregnancy tests before when I was late, I didn't want to be too eager to do one this time just in case I am sorely disappointed again. I remember it was 6 February 2009, after prompting by an online friend who was in a support group for mothers who are trying to conceive that I was a part of, that I did the test. When the 2nd line appeared, I couldn't believe it....I thought it must be wrong.....there must be a mistake! When hubby came home and I shared the news with him, he asked me if I was pulling his leg and still refused to believe it - even when I showed him the pregnancy test! I think the time trying to conceive has taken an emotional toll on him too as he shared my disbelief.
The next few months have been:
- - one of anticipation
- - waiting for the first 3 months to be over
- - having the 12th week scan, hoping the baby is healthy and well (and really thankful baby is!)
- - followed by the 19th week scan, where we saw baby in 3D and was so immensely thrilled and thankful again that baby is well and healthy
- - starting to think of names
- - buying pregnancy books
- - buying more maternity clothes
- - trying to enjoy the pregnancy despite tiredness, nausea (not too bad), dry-retching, awful taste in my mouth
- - finding out I have gestational diabetes at 28th week and trying to control it via diet then being put on insulin at 31 weeks
- - juggling tiredness and giving my best at work
- - attending ante-natal classes, and feeling both nervous and excited about labour
- - being told at 33rd week that my hospital policy is to induce me at 38th weeks because I have gestational diabetes and am on insulin - that shaved off the 2 weeks I was going to enjoy putting my feet up! I was in shock and so was hubby!
- - and now, at 35th week, eagerly anticipating to meet our little one and getting excited about the labouring experience.
- - God does the impossible!
- - He loves me in spite of me, not because of who i am! He is Love and He Loves me! (i pray that i don't take Him for granted as i often do)
- - A supportive husband, family and friends helped me to retain my sanity
- - I needed to get on with living and enjoying life and not put anything or everything on hold, because I may fall pregnant.
- - That my children are mine to care for, love, and be there for, but they ultimately belong to the Lord and my fears and worries for them are eased if I leave them in His Care.
“And I am with you always, even to the end of the earth.” Matthew 28:20
*examination of the abdominal cavity or performance of minor abdominal surgery using a laparoscope (source: www.dictionary.com)
